My Inner CrazyTown

My kid, A, has grown up so much lately.  I have mentioned to you all before how he has some little quirks, and that one of them is that he's a bit awkward when it comes to building friendships and being social with his peers.  He seems to have come a long way in a short time, and is much more comfortable making friends and sort of bonding with other kids.  I have described him as seeming sort of "star-struck" by his classmates.  Yesterday something dawned on me.

I think I'm the same way.  I can remember as a kid feeling awkward around the rest of the kids.  I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, and like the other kids were so much better and cooler than I was.  When I did have friendships I used to feel afraid all the time that they would stop liking me for some reason.  It very well could have stemmed from being a new kid so many times, who knows.  But I didn't feel like I was smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough.  When I moved before my senior year in high school and started a new school, I tried very hard to be more confident.  To be myself, but not be so timid.  It worked, and I made solid friends there, but I still never really felt sure of myself.  

I had a lot of friends in college, but that sort of goes with the territory of not only being in a marching band, but being a girl drummer.  It made me sort of a novelty.  I still had a pretty low self-esteem, and I think I clung to people too hard, afraid they wouldn't like me anymore when they really got to know me.  

I'm 40 now.  My goal for my 40's is to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin.  After landing one of the best men I've ever known as a husband, giving birth to two beautiful boys, and keeping them healthy and happy so far, you'd think I'd feel pretty solid.  But 13-year old me is still a very big part of who I am.  I have friends, good friends.  Granted, most of them have to be my friends because of relation or marriage, but I think they actually do like me.  But I still feel unworthy when I'm around my peers.  I see other moms at the school, and I have this feeling that most of them are better moms than me.  They are more "together" than me.  Their kids are more successful.  Their homes are probably nicer.  Their cars aren't as messy as mine.  They probably do a weekly board game night at home and entertain all the neighbors with home-cooked meals.  They're not as chubby as me.  And if they are heavier than me, it's all right because they're definitely more comfortable with themselves than I am.  And it looks better on them anyway.  

I don't have ANY idea why I do this to myself.  I was not emotionally abused as a child.  I had the same ups and downs that most people have had.  I have had dark times.  I don't know anybody who hasn't.  I would love to find a way out of my own head sometimes.  

Yesterday I ran into one of my kids' friends' moms (you know who you are--we chatted about our kids' love for cardboard and tape).  She's gorgeous.  She has this amazing curly hair that looks so perfect.  I have curly hair.  I feel like most of the time it just looks like a place the finches from my barn would like to make their home.  She has a warm smile, and she's raising the sweetest little guy.  She approached me yesterday and greeted me, in a very honest and friendly way.  We've seen each other many times over the years, so this was in no way strange, but I felt surprised.  A bit surprised that she would recognize little ol' me.  And so flattered that she'd want to chat with me.  So what the heck is the matter with me?  I know I'm nice.  I know I don't repulse people.  Why would I feel anything about that?  It was very NORMAL.  Why do I feel, in the moment, like ohmygoshI'mgoingtosaysomethingstupid?  

There are a couple people I don't feel like this around.  My hubby.  Children.  My siblings.  I'd love to say my siblings' spouses, but SIL2 is gorgeous and has an amazing career, so she's obviously way cooler than me.  But I know she loves me.  I also feel fine around my hubby's siblings and their families.  That's about it.  Oh and my little chihuahua friend.  That doesn't make any sense to me, because she's beautiful and tiny and kind and she was a cheerleader.  There's just something sweet enough about her that makes me not question why she'd want to be my friend.  She's friends with everyone she meets.  

Is there anyone out there as insane as me?  I know I lean on you all a lot to make me feel more normal, but I'm coming right out and asking for it now.  If you think I'm crazy now, I get it.  But if you have a little bit of my crazy, let me know and we'll go out for martinis and tell each other how much cooler we are now than we were at 13, and we should just forgive and accept our cute little 13-year old selves, and embrace our wiser, softer, older selves.  My 10-year old seems to be doing quite well at that already.

The First Day of Fall

I have decided that for me, today is the first day of fall.  I've been to busy to really live it yet this year, so I'm giving myself a reset.  

We had school conferences last night.  I usually get very stressed out before conferences, preparing myself for a long talk with A's teachers.  The first conference of the year is pretty tough.  Every year up until now, at the first conference, his teacher would basically look at us kindly and say something like, "I've never encountered a child like A."  They loved him and thought he was sweet and funny, but I think they all thought he was very difficult to teach.

This year was much better.  I think partly due to his teacher, and also partly due to the fact that he's growing up.  His teacher this year was hand picked by his teacher last year, who has so far done the most to "figure him out" with testing and patience and love last year.  This year his teacher is a man.  He seems like a very laid back guy, and he's very nice.  He showed us the areas where A falls behind, but there were also amazing positive results in his folder.  He didn't seem at all concerned about him, just told us areas he could use some improvement, and told us things he could work on at home.  He said A's a great kid, and he very much enjoys him.  Then we met with his reading teacher and got about the same results from her.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.  I feel so much better.  He's going to be fine.  I've always known that, but now I feel like school might not always be such a struggle.

J's conference was great.  His always are.  He's doing very well, and we're very proud of him.  We have to remember to not take it for granted that his will be fast and painless.  The only thing I have to watch for with him is to make sure he stays challenged.

I think I'm finally at a point where I don't feel like school conferences are a parental judging session.  I used to feel so much more nervous about them, almost like their teachers were my authority figure as well.  I loved school.  Worshipped my teachers.  That's probably why I felt like that.  I still very much like their teachers, but I'm feeling more confident in my own parenting now.  Maybe because my kids are doing so well, and I am so proud of them.  Maybe because I'm so very old.  Who knows.  But it's easier for me to talk to them now, I don't feel like they are smarter than me any more.  Even though they probably are...  It's one of those situations like I've mentioned before, when you get to that point as an adult that you realize that other adults are just people too.  I wonder what conferences are like for parents who have kids with behavior problems.  That would be so stressful!

Well, it's finally cool outside, people.  I love it!  It smells great outside.  I get to be outside a lot today--after I meet my cute little chihuahua friend for a cup of coffee I'll be watching my kids little cross country race at the school.  Then tonight I get to watch Nephew2 at a football game for his high school where he plays trombone in the marching band.  That should be very fun.  I think I'll put on my chunky, obnoxious fall bracelet today with all the leaves on it.  I love wearing that thing.  And I'll dress in brown and orange and red today.  I haven't taken the time to celebrate fall enough today, so I think this weekend that's my goal.  I need to really notice the leaves before they're all gone.  I need to smell the air, and have a fire at some point this weekend.  I need to wear cozy clothes.  I already had one cup of pumpkin spice coffee, I think I'll have another one.  And it's time to break out the crock pot cookbook.  Get out there and enjoy this, people--it will be gone too fast, and we have to remember to take some time once in a while to drink in this lovely season.  

And today, folks, if I have time, The Big Book of Christmas is coming out.

Halloween or Pole Dancing?

Maybe there is a short time in our lives as young women when we might think Halloween could be a good time to dress up in a sexy costume.  It is probably tacky and a bit ridiculous, but we probably think it's sexy at the time.  I seem to recall trying to be a sexy witch one time, and I also went as a cheerleader from my old high school once.  That's about as risky as I got.

But I have a bone to pick today, and I don't know who to pick it with, so I'm just whining about it here.  As I've mentioned before, I have a party to go to this Saturday.  It's a costume party to celebrate Nephew5's birthday.  We all look forward to it every year, and a big reason is to see everyone all dressed up.  Usually in humorous costumes.  Never in sexy costumes.  Of course, there's a few women who come to the party every year that are beautiful anyway, so they end up looking sexy no matter what, but it's not their fault.  Each year is a bit of a struggle trying to come up with an idea.  It's a fun struggle, but a struggle.  It's so easy for the kids.  Except I have to sort of help with the costumes they pick out.  At least the decision's made, though.

So I've been out shopping Halloween stores and Halloween sections of big stores.  And I've encountered a very irritating trend:  When did Halloween become a holiday meant just for strippers?  I cannot believe how every costume for an adult woman (and many of the ones for little girls, as creepy as it is) is morphed into something slutty.  Really, it's almost offensive, and I'm no prude.  There's the almost traditional sexy nurse:

This is pretty tame.  There was also the sexy pirate wench, the Playboy bunny, the sexy lady cop, the naughty Dorothy from Wizard of Oz, and the old-fashioned sexy cat costumes.  But then there are some interesting newer choices:

There's the sexy angel (there's something very wrong with this idea):



And then there's the creepy idea of the sexy schoolgirl, and other disturbing things.

I decided to go another direction, and try to find something more traditionally "Halloween-ish."  You know, something sort of scary.  I have been a witch many times.  Partly because what's more Halloween-y than a witch?, and mostly because my witch hat is really fun to wear and my cape is very comfortable.  So I figured I'd go traditional. I even considered being a ghost with an old sheet, or maybe the Charlie Brown ghost with all the holes, but I don't have a white sheet, and didn't want to buy one just to wreck.  I'm thinking maybe I should have . . .  Because here's some traditional and scarier women's costumes that I found:

Here's Little Red Riding Hood.  This must be after the wolf got ahold of her.  Apparently the wolf had some zombie blood in it, because this is the undead Little Red Riding Hood who tramps through the forest in spike heels, a mini skirt, and unfortunate stockings.



Over here we have Freddie Krueger.  I'm all about gender equality, people, so I'm okay with having a female Freddie.  But the male Freddy was HARDLY sexy.  In fact, he was hideous.  That was the whole  point to his character, wasn't it?  I don't think this little tart would cause anybody to have any nightmares.

So then I figured I'd look for some zombie stuff.  A is really into zombies these days, he's being a "zombie doctor", so I thought maybe I'd be a zombie patient.  I could still figure that out, probably, but here is the store version of a zombie costume for women!  Isn't that hilarious?



But here's the best one.  Not only was I amused that they had this kind of costume for females anyway, but their idea of it was so crazy I had to call the sister and holler about it right there in the middle of the store.  Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the good old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.



Holy cow.  Stick a fork in me, people, I'm done.  I'm going as a witch.  I got a blue wig just so that it's a slightly different version of a witch.  I am a 40-year old woman who has had two kids.  I do not own a tiny leather miniskirt to wear with my witch hat.  Or fishnet stockings.  Or thigh-high spike vinyl boots.  Or a sparkly black push-up bra.  So I'm going to be a boring witch.

One more gripe:  I went over to the men's section.  There was NOTHING sexy there.  It's all about comedy for the dudes.  There's couch potato, prisoner, pirate, even cutesy ones like Bert and Ernie, Cookie Monster, a penguin, a spider, it was so wrong.

Happy Halloween, people.

Happy Birthday My Little Man.

Ten years ago today I gave birth to my first born, my sweet A.  I had a very healthy pregnancy, although I was enormous due to two giant fibroid tumors (that my hubby even named).  That and all the fat I gained.  Ahh, pregnancy.  I had a fairly normal delivery.  We didn't know the sex of the new baby, we wanted that "moment" where you hear "It's a Boy!" or "It's a Girl!"  And all that.  I never heard the big moment, I don't recall learning that it was a boy, I just guess I overheard it somewhere.  I was in complete Crazytown after pushing a giant ball out of a, well, you get my drift.

Once I got home with my little bundle, and recovered from the shock of the fact that this wasn't just the end of a pregnancy, but that a baby comes out of the deal and people actually trust me to care for this tiny little bean that smelled like sugar, I fell under that magic spell of love, devotion, adoration, protection, and pride.  And I'm still under the spell.

A was born with army green eyes.  And it sounds funny, but he was born sort of independent.  He wanted to figure things out for himself and do for himself at a very early age.  He was walking at 10 months old.  He had strangely developed fine motor skills, and was so observant of his surroundings.  He was Daddy's Boy from day one, and that has not changed. 

This is A on his first birthday.  I KNOW!!!  I know you think he's the cutest thing you've ever seen.  Not quite a month after this was taken, his little brother J was born.  He loved him from day one, and they are still the best of friends.  He used to find J's bottle for me, and very rarely poked him in the eye or poured his milk on his head.

There is something very special about this little guy.  He has a gift for reading people's emotions and is extremely sensitive.  He has a natural faith in Heaven and God that makes my faith even stronger.

Sometimes we describe A as "quirky".  He definitely marches to the beat of his own drummer.  He learns differently, he thinks differently, he behaves differently.  He is kind and cheerful, outgoing, confident.  He is sort of picky eater.  He prefers to eat apples peeled and impaled on a fork.  He wishes all food was cheesy.  He is always inventing things and building things.  He has so many similarities to his Mimi (hubby's mom) that it's comforting, as if she's still with us.



A loves his family.  He loves hearing the history of his family.  He loves hearing about the history of anything.  He is fascinated by old things--machinery, photos, shows, clothing, music, anything.  I think he should have been born 50 years ago.  I guess you could call him an "old soul."  He loves comedy.  He will laugh out loud at any funny tv show.  He loves funny books.  His favorites are the Captain Underpants series and the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series.  If it's funny, he'll like it.  He has a difficult time sometimes at school, but he loves to go.  He's very proud of his school and is growing up and making friends easier all the time.

 He is fearless.  It's terrifying, really.  He won't think twice about leaping off of snowbanks, he rides roller coasters with his hands up in the air, laughing like a lunatic.  I think he's just a confident kid, and that makes me feel so good.

He is the baby who really made my husband and I a family.

  

His arrival showed me just how amazing my husband is.

I am an amazingly lucky woman.  I am blessed that I get to raise this little guy.  He is teaching me every day how to be a mom, how to be a better person, and I am grateful to him for it.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me cry.  And watching him grow up is one of the biggest privileges I will ever know.

Yesterday he got a cast put on his arm.  He has a fractured wrist, because he lives the life of a very happy, very active boy.  And like everything, he handled it with courage and a sense of humor.  He is proud of his cast, and we are proud of him.  I think it's funny that this is the shirt he was wearing.  

Happy Birthday to my 10-year old little man.

Back to Normal Life

Yesterday was the last day of A and J playing football for the year.  It was a cool, rainy evening, but nice anyway.  Mom came out to see the game, and I think she felt good about being able to come out to that kind of thing without worrying about anything.  It must be so strange but nice for her.  She looked good, and I was happy to see her.  The boys' team lost, but it was still a fun season.  And the improvement my kids made since last year is amazing.  I am very proud of them.

Look at these cute little dudes.

My future Gophers.  That's not so impossible to imagine considering how dismal the Gophers are lately...

A little adventure yesterday . . .  A has a fractured wrist.  Apparently it happened on Saturday, he just has a crazy high pain tolerance and we didn't know how badly it was hurt until yesterday.  When we take them down the driveway to wait for the bus they like to play catch with the football while we wait.  Yesterday A dove for a pass and went down on his hand, and was instantly howling.  He's one of those kids that doesn't howl unless it's REALLY bad.  So we just put J on the bus and took A to Urgent Care.  Sure enough, a fracture.  They put it in a splint and today I'm taking him to his regular doctor after school where they'll confirm it, and he'll probably end up in a regular cast.  I think he's excited about the cast.  He already sort of likes his splint, but he wasn't happy that he had to sleep in it.  He's one tough cookie, though.  It was sort of a bummer that he didn't get to play in his last football game, but he really enjoyed just wearing his jersey and cheering on his team.  But I guess my induction into the Hall of Mothers of Boys is complete.  A cast.  I was told this would happen eventually, and if this is going to be it, I'll take it.  It's pretty minor.


Last night their school principal was at the game--it was so cool to see him, there, taking pictures with this fancy camera.  He's a pretty cool guy, and the kiddos adore him.  He seems to be so proud of his school and all the kids, and I've been very impressed with him.  It was fun to see him there, and Andy had fun chatting it up with him for a while.

Well, folks, I guess I should do my reveal, too.  Yep, I finished cleaning the office.  Here's the pics I promised:


Ahhhhh.  Much bettah.  Now there are no rooms in my house that are actually embarrassing.  Not that my job is done, but I feel much more human.  Oh and by the way--that's Hoarders on my little tv!  Ha ha ha!

So today I'm going grocery shopping and looking for costume ideas, as well as figuring out some more ideas for A's birthday party.  Oh--I got the invitations done yesterday, and they're going in the mail today!  Wow...  yesterday was pretty productive.  SIL2 came up with the best idea for their costumes--they're going as Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.  AWESOME idea.  I'll never come up with anything as fun as that.  Maybe I'll come up with something acceptable today....  I'll keep you posted, of course.

Another Confession Session

When I started writing this thing, I swore to myself I was going to be honest with it.  So I am actually a bit nervous about this post.

Yesterday I cleaned.  I really did.  And I didn't finish.  I was pretty much gone from my house for almost a month.  During that time the hubby did really well, but he was very busy, and he was pretty much treading water the whole time.  Besides, I really do most of the cleaning.  He's got enough to deal with, believe me. So he's not really used to all the little stuff.  So by the time I "moved" back home, it was horrible.  And I've sort of been decompressing over the last couple days, so I hadn't done that much to fix it until yesterday.

I believe that a lot of women are weird about their houses.  I am one of them, and I think there are many, many more of you out there.  I would do almost anything to avoid being seen by anyone in a bikini--actually, I don't have a bikini, so I'll say my underwear.  What I mean is, I am most comfortable when I am disguising my actual physical body with clothing.  Roomy clothing.  Roomy clothing that preferably draws attention to either my face or my shoes.  Does anyone know a style that would draw attention to the person next to you instead?   You get my point.  Anyway, I think that lots of us feel a very similar way about our homes.  When we entertain we clean.  When we entertain with short notice we frantically clean.  There are some people I know who have a cleaning person they hire, and they clean to prepare for the cleaning person.  If we're having another mom over, for some reason we clean even more.  And if the in-laws are coming, it's even worse.  Then, what really shows our crazy is that when the people get there, we will often apologize for how messy our house is, and chuckle nervously.  Never do we say, "sorry the house isn't picture perfect.  I was cleaning like a mad woman for hours before you got here to hide the way I actually live, and I just noticed I missed a Star Wars figure under the couch."  But that's much closer to the truth.  Clearly it's sort of silly, and I wish we could all just relax a little bit.

I am one of those women, and today I am coming clean.  I enjoy cleaning the house.  That in no way means it is clean all the time.  The fact is, there are about four or five days a month, average, when I feel really good about it.  There are about ten days a month when I feel like it could use a pick up and the bathrooms could use a scrub, and about half of the month, I am pretty much insane with stress about how messy the house is, wanting to board it up so nobody can see inside, mumbling constantly about how the kids need to get better about picking up their s__t, and turning off the lights and hiding if I see anyone unexpected coming down the driveway.  I watch Hoarders to feel better about myself, so I can judge those people and think, "how can anyone live like that?", while I shove the pile of crap on the coffee table aside to set down my wine glass.

People, yesterday when I was finishing up cleaning the kitchen, SIL1 called and invited me over for dinner.  Lovely gesture.  But I had been cleaning my kitchen for HOURS.  It shouldn't take that long, but my house had reached such a state that I was determined to do the deep clean.  I told her I was sorry but I really felt a need to continue cleaning, so I could be a nice person again.  She totally understood.  But when I talk to her about cleaning I can tell she doesn't believe me that it gets this messy, since usually I clean before she visits (I bet this sounds familiar), and because I have a touch of OCD.  She told me to take some before and after pictures, and I said I would.  If for no other reason than to prove to her that IT.  DOES.  GET.  THAT.  BAD.  Originally I was trying to think of way to post the pictures on Facebook to her, but I wanted to send them to just her so nobody else would see.  Then I decided to be honest with my lovely readers, and just put them out there.  So I will.  Yesterday I finished two rooms  in my house.  Two.  The kitchen and the dining room.  Some of the other rooms weren't quite as bad, but some were.  I saved the office for today.  It's really bad.  I would have taken a before picture of the kitchen, but remember--she called me as I was finishing it, and so I just took an after.

Deep breath.  So here it is.  Feel free to judge me.

So here's one view of the kitchen.  It's an "after" shot.  It took a very long time to get it done, and if you would be so kind as to notice that I have white floors.  Lots of white floor.  If any of you are thinking of remodeling your kitchen, I highly recommend avoiding white floors.

Here is another view of the kitchen.  I don't usually have fresh flowers all over the place, I'm not that cool.  But they're from my dad's funeral, so thanks dad.

Oooh.  So here's the dining room.  Before.  Do you still love me?

 


But here's the after!  Much better.  I haven't finished the floors yet, but still...  It's an improvement.

And here, folks, is the office.  This is the project of the morning.  See my beautiful computer on the right side of the picture on the desk?  I'm sitting behind that right now.  In all that crap.  It makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Another view of the office.  Yikes!  I haven't started this yet, I will post after pictures tomorrow, if for no other reason than to redeem myself.

Okay, I have to get to work.  It's time to suit up, turn my music on, and head into battle again.  If you don't hear from me in a few days, send someone in to check on me.

My Costume Quandary

Is there some reason we are stuck in summer?  It's the middle of October, people.  Bring on the cooler air!  I have a house to clean today, and I hope it's not going to be hot in here.  That might make it a bit difficult.

There is a Vikings game today at noon.  I'm hoping to keep cleaning while it's on, and the way Minnesota sports have been lately, that shouldn't be too tough.  It would be nice if they could pull of a win, but unfortunately I don't have high hopes.  I've mentioned before how difficult it is to be a Minnesota sports fan, and that has proven true every week since then.  Really, it's pretty depressing.  Especially if you want to love them, like I do, or have a hubby that lets himself hope.  Sigh.

Another thing on my mind is costumes.  I need my whole family to have a costume by the end of this week for Nephew5's birthday party.  What the heck should we be?  I'll talk to the kiddos today about what they want to do, but I need to come up with something for me and the hubby.  I like to go as something related to current events.  A couple years ago I went as Sarah Palin.  That was fun.  This year A mentioned he would like to be a zombie doctor.  That might not be too tough.  I just asked J and he said he might want to be a magician.  That at least gives me something to work on.  As for hubby and I, it's still up in the air.

Some of the costumes from years past:

A was an elephant for his first Halloween.  He was very excited.

J as a ghost.  I actually made this one.  This and a Dash costume from The Incredibles have been my favorite home-made costumes so far.

A as Scooby Doo.  Again, very excited.

This one was pretty fun.  J as a vampire.  Cute and fashionable.  

A as a Scarecrow.  He has finally figured out that it's fun to dress up.

Let's see, current events, pop culture.  TV shows.  My favorite show right now is Modern Family.  There are no women I could pull off on that show.  So that's out.  Blue Bloods and Hawaii 5-0, nothing there.  Politics?  Ugh.  I am no Michele Bachmann.  Hm.  This could be difficult.  One year a while back we had two ladies come to the party as Martha Stewart in jail.  I thought that was awesome.  The year that Julie and Julie was in the theaters I thought hubby and I could go as Julia Child and her husband, but we didn't.  And now I don't know if it would be as fun.  I think I might just have to go to the store and look for inspiration.  This might be tricky.

Well, it looks nice outside, people.  I think I'll walk down the driveway to get the Sunday paper.  And I'll walk in the grass, not on the driveway, so I can crunch through the leaves.  It's still sort of cool out there so I better get out there before it gets bizarrely and unseasonably hot.  The leaves are beautiful today, so I think you should all get outside today.  Take some pictures.  I'm going to smell the leaves, get my paper, and come in for coffee and my Target ad.  Then I'm plugging in my iPod and getting busy.