My Funk

There are days, and yesterday was one of those days, when I sit down here to write, and a bunch of stupid crap comes out of my brain.  I then delete everything I wrote, look at the blank screen for a bit, and then just get up and walk away.

I was in a funk yesterday.  At first I thought it was because I had to go to another funeral.  It was for my great uncle, and I was not close to him, although I am very close to his son and his family.  Funerals are always sad occasions, but somehow when my family is with that branch of the family we always find things to laugh about.  So it was a healthy thing.  Sometimes my family is so goofy I feel like we would make such great subjects for a Modern Family style show.  I mean, we are all so very different from each other, and there's a lot of drama, but most of the time it's good comedy.  And sometimes it's so bizarre it seems like you couldn't make it up, it's too crazy.

But I stayed in a funk.  I don't know what's going on with me.  I was riddled with self-doubt yesterday.  After thinking about it, it may have started with the mess with A up at the cabin, but I can't be sure.  I do this to myself sometimes.  I start thinking, I'm not a good parent.  And I think I just get myself worked up so that I can turn everything into an attack on myself.  We were talking about money, and the economy, and instead of just conversing about it with the hubby, I'm thinking to myself, "I don't contribute to this family.  I should get a job.  I'm worthless and lazy."  I'm feeling bloated from all the excesses of Thanksgiving and the fact that I haven't been active lately, and instead of going for a walk, I sit on the couch and think, "I'm so ginormous.  I would never be able to lose all this extra weight.  I would fail if I tried anyway."  So I sit and stew all day about how unappealing and unworthy I am.

I do this to myself more than I care to admit, and I'm not sure how to shake it.  I feel a bit better today, it's a new day.  Sometimes I have to look around and very purposefully count my blessings and find things to be proud of.  My hubby must see something in me, because he certainly still loves me.  And I really wish I could see myself through my kids' eyes.  They think I'm pretty great, actually.  See, but right there--I was just about to type, "I must have them snowed."  Instead of, "so I must be doing all right."  My first instinct is always some kind of self doubt.  Augh!

I do need to take better care of myself.  I need to set a better example for my kids.  Mostly, I never want them to feel this way, so I need to show them how we should be proud of ourselves, and have some self respect.  I write this blog because it's therapeutic and fun for me.  Not because I think it's great literature.  Sometimes my posts may be interesting, sometimes they may be lame.  Who cares?

I'm going to get bundled up and go outside for a walk after the bus leaves.  That'll clear my head.