Thursday, October 11, 2012

My Hysterical Uterus

I've been feeling sort of crummy lately.  Off and on, sometimes more on than off, over the past several years.  I'm not one to go to a doctor unless I HAVE to, and I went to the doctor this week.

It's hard being a girl.  Our bodies tend to occasionally become our enemy, and mine was getting really angry.  So I went in to talk about what I can do to get some relief (and relieve my hubby and kids as well from the monster I become), all the while thinking my "condition" was normal to a middle-aged woman.

Well, then I was sent in for an ultrasound.  No biggie, right?  I've had lots of pelvic ultrasounds.  I was pregnant for two years!   So I go in like it's no big deal.  She performs the ultrasound and then tells me to strip down waist down for my vaginal ultrasound.  Wha?!?!

Oh my God.  The torture device they use for this looks like it comes from the novelty section of an adult toy store.  I was not ready for that.  Ew.  Again, it's hard being a girl.  You have to lay there looking at the ceiling while the tech (thank GOD it was a girl--can you imagine?) probes around your lady bits, looking at her screen and pressing buttons occasionally, asking you how old your kids are, if you like the cooler weather, blah blah blah.  Nightmare.  

Anyway, after that minor assault exam, I was sent home to wait for my doctor visit 9 days later to discuss the results.

But it wasn't 9 days.  They called me a couple hours later with this message:  "the results of your ultrasound confirmed fibroid tumors and the doctor would like to bump your visit up to this Wednesday."

Creepy, right?  Those of you that have been through this probably don't think it's that creepy, but again--I don't go to doctors.  So I'm of course thinking, holycrapIhavecancerandtheyareabouttotellmeIhavesixmonthstolive.

But I don't.  I'm just old, and have a ratty, used up, fibroid-filled, wartlike uterus.  Nothing like feeling like the outside of your body is unappealing, and then to be told that your insides are unappealing as well.  Gross!  

So I'm getting a HYSTERECTOMY.  My first thought was, "hysterical!"  So I googled the origin of the word (this is from Wiki Answers):

"Hysterectomy" is the surgical removal of the uterus (womb). The word "Hysterectomy" (termed in 1879) comes from the root word "hyster" referring to the womb and "ectomy" meaning removal.
The reason the root word "hyster" refers to the womb is derivative of the word "hysteria" based on the sexist assumption that the womb itself caused uncontrollable, emotional behavior.
Subsequently, 19th century and early 20th cent physicians performed "pelvic massages" and prescribed vibrators as a treatment for "Female Hysteria" and "hysterectomys" for severe cases. Female Hysteria was thought to be a real, psychological disorder in women until the 20th century.

I have an issue with this description.  I don't think it's that sexist.  At least for me.  My warty womb HAS caused me uncontrollable, emotional behavior!  And my Female Hysteria IS a real, psychological disorder!  This description, and therefore the origin of the word, is right on, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm now waiting for the scheduler to call to set up my pre-op.  Hopefully I'll be getting this lovely thing over with in the next couple weeks.  Well, then there's the 8-week recovery period... 

Oh--and to add insult to injury, there is a new, less-invasive, method of doing this surgery.  Yay!  Well, I'm not eligible for this.  It seems that after the C-section my bladder latched on to my warty uterus with a bunch of scar tissue, so now they're making this a major surgery.  Yay me!  Yay my warty uterus!  

Ugh.  It's hard to be a girl.


  1. Sweet mother of all, that's a mess of bad news. Take care of yourself through all of it. I've had that kind of ultrasound in early pregnancy, and I agree with you. No fun at all.

  2. Ok, this post literally made me laugh out loud. People who don't know me probably think I must be a terrible person, but I know you get it. And seriously, if you've got these kinds of issues, all you can do is laugh about it and thank God there's no C word. As you know, I'm a strong proponant(ent? whatever) of this. I'm super bummed you can't have the minimally invasive one, but three months from now you'll be SO glad. Since you and I were born with similarities in our unkind uteri, I have literally felt your pain and I can honestly say IT WAS SO WORTH IT!! Funny thing though, when I was going to have mine google was my first stop too. But the definition I found rooted the name back to the Greek (or Roman? can't remember) Goddess Hester. I sorta like that description better, even if it's not quite as fitting. I just don't need to feel like I have more organs than just my brain that are inherently crazy. :) Good luck, and you can count on me chauffeuring you to Target for a few weeks! ~Sister

  3. As horrible as the news of the fibroids are, I am sure you will not miss your uterus. It sounds like it is currently more trouble than it is worth! Take care of yourself, lady! And, let me assure you, the hysteria does not end with the departure of your womb-- it just gets more hysterical!!!

  4. Thank God! I wouldn't want to change the colorful lady I am! Thanks so much for your kind words!