Monday, January 2, 2012

A New Day

Here we are!  2012!  Very exciting.  I hear the world's going to end this year, so we all better make the best of it, right?

And on that note, I just finished the Hunger Games.  I sat on my rear end in my chair all day yesterday.  I felt headachy and nauseous all day, possibly just beat up from holiday exhaustion, but I felt like I couldn't move.  So I spent the whole day doing nothing.  And I read almost the whole book in one day.  It was very interesting.  Very creative and original, and I'm really looking forward to the next two books.  I'm also looking forward to the movie.  It's nice that there's some original stuff out there, when there's way too much just reheated old ideas in books and movies these days.

We have un-decked our halls.  It's looking pretty roomy in here now, and I noticed an echo in my kitchen yesterday that I swear was not there before we decked the halls.  It's very strange.  But it's cleansing to get it all down, and yes, I'm already looking forward to next year.  The only thing that bums me out about it is how fast time flies and how I know the year is going to speed past as I barely have time to catch my breath.  But it was a good feeling to get it done, and it gave us a new project.  I used to store my Christmas stuff in the basement.  We have a large basement, I call it the dungeon.  In our old farmhouse, it is the basement you would imagine--concrete floor, block walls, cold and unwelcoming.  And full of crap.  Full.  of Crap.  So this year hubby took my Christmas decorations (32 bins plus some random loose things) out to his workshop.  He's storing them up on these really high shelves, where he solemnly swears no mice will get at them and they will stay dry and safe.  That opened up a very exciting amount of room in our big room down in the basement, and it inspired us to start  emptying out the basement and getting it ready to finish!

When we first moved here 13 years ago, the basement was damp, and it would flood in the spring.  We installed drain tile a couple years later and since then it doesn't even get damp at all.  Kind of amazing, really.  So now we can finish it with recessed lights, ceiling, walls, and carpet.  There are no heat ducts down there so we'll have to install some kind of heat, but still.  It has HUGE potential.  The thought that we could have a family room down there where we could put a TV, the PS3 and the Wii is very exciting for me.  Hubby is a whiz with electrical projects and construction stuff, so there's not much of a reason why we shouldn't be able to get it done.  Maybe even this winter????  I'll keep my fingers crossed.  For now, all I can do is help get it empty and cleaned out.  I'll keep you posted.  I know you're all holding your breath about what we're going to do!  Ha.

The kiddos are back in school tomorrow.  We're back to regular life around here.  My busy cycle should be slowing down now.  I sort of live my life with my hair on fire from September to January, then it calms back down again.  I have so many birthdays and holidays packed in that time, and not much during the spring and summer.  So this time of year is usually a big relief.  I can focus on some other things.  And today I'm focusing on my health.  I have to figure out the best way to shake off some pounds.  This is an extremely touchy thing for me, and I don't talk about it easily.  I am HYPER self-conscious about my body, and it completely affects my whole life.  Mostly I try to pretend I'm fine, but really I'm a mess about it.  I cannot figure out a way out of the cycle, and I need a new approach.

I have joined and quit Weight Watchers more times than I care to admit.  I have lost weight every time, a couple times even come close to a goal, but then I slow down, plateau, and eventually quit.  I start getting extremely frustrated with it, both with how difficult it is to lose the weight and with how much the process of losing it takes over my life.  I HATE thinking about it so much.  The program itself is great.  It works.  If you do it.  But working the program involves constantly thinking about eating, about food, about your diet.  And I would love to stop thinking about it.  I spend almost all of my awake hours completely aware of how fat I feel.  It's in my mind at ALL times.  Even when I'm busy, it's there in the background, telling me how lazy I am, how worthless I am, how unappealing I am, what a failure I am.  I can push it back a little, but it's there.

Then when I'm doing things to lose weight, it's almost worse.  I feel a bit of pride when I'm accomplishing some weight loss, but the focus on food and weight is even stronger.  It's a horrible, vicious cycle.  And I just want out.  I just want to find a way to get healthier, to get these thoughts out of my head.  There has to be a way for me to get better without it consuming me.  I hate working out.  I know I need to get more active, so that's what I'm going to try next.

We have a treadmill.  It's not working, but we need to get it fixed.  I LOVE walking.  I love walking with my iPod, by myself, zoning out with the music and the fresh air.  But I know myself, and I know I won't do it in the supercold weather.  Which is coming.  I think if I can get myself into a walking routine again, that will be a good start.  And if I can start just choosing my food a bit more carefully, that's a good next step.  I am not diving into WW again.  It consumes me.  I am tired of being consumed.

But I can handle having a healthy breakfast.  Today I had oatmeal and a cup of coffee and a glass of milk.  Instead of nothing until I'm crazy hungry later and eat anything I can get my hands on.  And I can have a sandwich and some grapes for lunch.  And I can make a good dinner for my family tonight.  That should be all I need.  And I can get some work done in my basement and in the house, which will keep me active and occupied.  Pushing those grumpy thoughts back a bit.  And then tomorrow will be another new day.

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