The other day I was zipping around the house trying to get them ready for football. We were missing a nut cup. So I'm running around looking for it, while yelling questions at them like "where were you when you took it off?" and "why is your room such a pit?", while they're kind of helplessly wandering around trying to act like they're searching. I finally found it, tossed it to the kid who needed it, and hollered about getting their cleats on. Then I started feeling unhinged, and I found myself randomly hollering at nobody in particular about why is the house such a mess, why can't they keep track of their things, nobody respects our home, I shouldn't have to be in charge of this stuff all the time, they are old enough to do a better job at this, we need to get better about their chores, they didn't put their dishes in the sink, blah blah blah. Then I'm hollering at them to get into the car as I'm walking to the bathroom to pee before we go. And there were drops of pee on the toilet seat. Obviously not put there by me, and that's one of my biggest peeves. So I continue my stream of hollering, only now it's about the pee on the seat. I realize they have left the house to get in the car (because that's what I told them to do), so here's my confession, people--try not to judge: I open the window. I have mentioned how I have a window in my bathroom that looks out onto my back step. I'm sitting, pants down, on the toilet, and I open the window to continue my hollering.
That's when I realize I've lost it. What the hell is wrong with me? I know it's frustrating that they do the same crap constantly, no matter how much I tell them not to. Like not lifting up the seat to pee or wiping up their mess (and that's one offender, by the way--the other one is very good about it). But am I really this crazy? How are my kids growing up so nice with such a crazy lady for a mom? I don't act like this all the time, but when I do, I must seem completely nuts. I'm hoping someday we'll all be able to laugh about how nuts I was.
But this isn't the first time I've acted this nutty, and sadly, I'm sure it won't be the last. My moments of cuddling with the boys, laughing with them, teaching them how to make scrambled eggs, and just plain enjoying them far outweigh my crazy times. But there are definitely moments when crazy lady comes out. I try to forgive myself.
There are moms out there that I know who seem to me to have it all so together. They seem to be so into parenting, mothering, and life in general. They always look nice. Their kids are always clean and well-mannered. They seem so patient and happy, so involved in the schools and their kids sports. I imagine that their houses are probably super clean. That they are really good, creative cooks. That they are better women than me. I'd like to think that we are all in the same boat. That they have messy homes (at least occasionally), that they feel insecure about their parenting, that they feel like other moms seem so together. Sometimes I wonder if I seem like that mom to anyone else. Because if I do, let me get this out there: Holy crap I am so flawed. I do the best with what I've got, but often it's not enough. I have lazy days. Lots of them. I have times when I get so sucked into a good book that I forget to make a meal for the kids. I have times when I want to get in my car and drive away for a week and not tell anyone where I am. I feel, well, crazy a lot of the time. I don't want to be a perfect mom and wife. I do want to get them to adulthood in one piece, and hopefully still loving their mom.
And my poor hubby. He didn't know what he was getting into.
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