Friday, September 23, 2011

Some Rays of Sunshine

It's officially Fall!  And it's Friday!  The kids got on the bus today all excited that they get to go to their cousin's house after school.  And it's a sleepover.  You'd think they were going to Disney World.  I love how much they enjoy going over there, it makes me feel so much better about all the time I'm away from them lately.  SIL3 is an angel for helping me out with them, and for all her understanding and caring.  She gets this whole situation like almost nobody can. 

I had a breakdown last night.  I knew it was coming, and was actually surprised it hadn't hit yet.  And then when I was going to bed (in my own bed at home) it hit.  I was feeling so overwhelmed by the baskets of laundry that I haven't folded, by the house that really needed a "mom clean".  By the kids' homework and keeping up with school responsibilities.  By how little attention I'd been able to pay to the hubby and the kiddos.  And by the twitchy feeling I have when I'm not with my dad.

So I was a wreck.  I was sobbing and unable to breathe or talk.  Hubby was just squeezing me, and he summed it up perfectly.  He said he knew exactly what I was feeling.  Like there was a magnetic pull pulling me to be at mom and dad's, and when I was there, a magnetic pull to be tending to my outside life.  He kept telling me things are not falling apart.  That he's got this, and I should feel fine about doing what I need to do.  Have I mentioned how perfect he is?  Well in case I haven't, he's perfect.

It's tricky because in some ways this is deja vu.  My little family basically moved in with my mom-in-law to care for her and whoever else while she was in the end stages of her life.  It was a horrible, stressful, sad, painful situation, but I could not have imagined being anywhere else.  Even running to the store was difficult because there was always a nagging worry that something would happen back at the house while I was gone and I wouldn't be there to help.  But at that time, my hubby and my kids were with me, along with SIL 3 and her sweet little kids (the ones my kids are staying with tonight).  It was hubby's mom, so of course he was more involved.  He was able to get a lot of time off to be there, and he went to work when he could.  I'm sure it was awful for him to leave.  My kids were in preschool so it wasn't too bad for them to miss some school. 

This situation is a bit different.  My kids can't be removed from their lives.  Hubby still needs to work as much as he can.  So when I'm here, they're not with me.  They visit from time to time, but they can't stay here.  It is comforting to me to know they are able to continue sleeping in their own beds, going to school, football, living their routine.  Life has to go on.  And the situation here at mom and dad's is different too.  It's very quiet.  There isn't much going on hour to hour, but there are flurries of activity when he needs something or when there are nurse visits, and that's when it's necessary to have the back up here.  Plus, I need to just be here.  Not just for my dad or my mom, but for me.  I feel that pull.  And I can't imagine being anywhere else.  I'm just grateful to my hubby for making it all possible.  And to my mom, sister, brother's family (thanks bro for the awesome tamales), and the MOH for all the additional care and concern and help.  I also want to send a shout out to the lovely SIL2 for the visit yesterday.  She blew in here with some fall treats, some HONEYCRISP APPLES and some flowers and coffee.  She sat here and chatted for a while, and it was like a breath of fresh air to have the break in the day.  I am so blessed.

And mom's going to make Chex Mix today. 

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I told my awesome hubby, too that I feel like my place is both with mom and dad and also with him at home, and its so horrible not being able to do both. He was, of course, so understanding and supportive, but it still feels like no matter where I am, I'm needed elsewhere too. And you're right, we are blessed. That is the best thing coming out of this right now. God is laying out my blessings in front of me to see and feel everyday. Its very comforting.