Thursday.

I spent the entire night last night tossing on the couch, hot, watching dad for changes in his breathing pattern.  Not a great night sleep.  But now I'm sitting here feeling strangely awake after just a half cup of coffee so far.  Weird.  I wonder when I'll hit the wall and pass out on the floor?  There's that scene in Tangled where Rapunzel whacks Rider (Eugene) on the head with her frying pan and he falls flat, landing directly on his face.  I feel like that's what I'm going to do at some unexpected time today.  Not the hitting, but the falling.  I love that movie.  I love how they nailed the bipolar feeling we get sometimes, when Rapunzel keeps going back and forth from how happy she is and how she's never going home again to what a horrible daughter she is and how much she hates herself.  I also love the scene in Julie and Julia where Julie is having the meltdown, crying on the floor of her kitchen.  If you haven't seen it, try to find it and watch it.  That is me.  Often. 

My three men came by last night and stole me away to go to Potbelly for a late night dinner and a shake.  It was great.  The boys came up to see papa before we left, and what a sight they were for my sore, sore eyes.  They had their football pants and cleats on and their tight little under armor shirts on from their football game.  They came in, and my sweet J walked directly up to papa and hugged him.  No nervousness, no fear, just a kid hugging his papa.  He's a remarkable kid.  My A hugged him as well, after standing with him and watching him for a while.  I can't help but wonder what is going through his head, after all the loved ones he's lost in his life so far.  It's heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. 

On the way to the car J said, "hey mom--remember the booty dance?"  And he started shaking his butt for me in the middle of the parking lot.  There was my life again, letting me know it would be there waiting for me after this fog clears.  What a good feeling.  We ate outside at Potbelly since they were near closing time, and it was so nice to sit alone with my family out there in the dark, feeling like everything else went away for a while.  And when we had to part ways I felt refreshed again, convinced again that they were fine, and that I was doing the right thing.  Dad is sleeping all the time now, making his final preparations for his trip onward.  He's comfortable and quiet, and it's very peaceful around here.  Mom is doing well right now, and I am again impressed with her strength. 

I was so tired when I got back last night, and we didn't watch any episodes of Modern Family!  So my plan is to watch several today during the day.  I don't think we have any visitors scheduled for the day, so that should work out fine.  Brother spent the night here last night as well, sister had gone home for the night and is headed back today, I believe.  Maybe brother will be around long enough to watch some with me.  It's such a surreal thing, to be sitting there giggling at a sitcom on the tv, all the while sneaking glances at dad to make sure his breathing pattern isn't changing.  You're so relieved for the distraction, but feel so guilty laughing at a tv show.  I think he'd appreciate it though. 

Therapy.

My other plan for today, if things don't get crazy around here, is that I'm going to take a shower, see if I remember how to do my hair and make up, and head home this evening to watch J's program at school.  Apparently he's doing a folk dance and he's supposed to teach it to his parents.  That should be interesting.  I told him I would be there, and he was so happy.  I've already told dad he needs to hang on until I get back from the program.  Let's hope he was listening.